Classic Crow ooh, a cheetoh

Nobody Likes You

Seriously, nobody likes you. Nobody likes any of us, as a matter of fact. Human beings are vile and odious creatures, and we deserve to die miserable and alone. This much is common knowledge.

But have you ever wondered why? Precisely what makes our species so loathsome? What factors are to blame for the reprehensible state of human affairs?

This column will attempt to illuminate some of the complex dynamics involved in fashioning our world. We’ll analyze poor social behaviors. We’ll examine terrible, often inappropriate, cultural phenomena. And on occasion, we’ll study truly awful examples of red carpet fashion.

For in this day and age, it is important that we arm ourselves with plentiful knowledge regarding our unfortunate state. Only in this way can we gain some rationally derived comfort from our dreadful misery. Only in this way can we understand exactly why bnobody likes us. Because indeed, nobody should.